Another Sunday-School Ultra Run
25 Miles up the old Mt Wilson Trail
Sun Nov 17 2002, 0702 start
Simultaneous finish [listed randomly]
6:43 John Doe #1/Andy Roth
6:43 John Doe #2/Jay Grobeson
6:43 John Doe #3/Mike "the Serb" Dimkich
6:43 John Doe #4/Mr Trail Safety
[Dan Stumpus joined us for part of the event, but was restrained by
hamstring problems from the Full Measure].
The route followed the following circuit:
Old Mt Wilson Trail out of Sierra Madre-->
Upper Winter Creek-->
Old Mt Wilson Trail back down to Sierra Madre.
We were there to celebrate the repoening of the Forest. Chantry
remains closed and will probably be more closed than open in the
months to come due to construction, weather, and the inscrutable
motives of the Sierra Madre Police Dept.
Enough of that!
This no aid/fee/whining/bullshit run was a Record Setting Unsupported
Benefit for Little Tommy Krull in Dallas Texas. Tommy is suffering
from Inoperable Comedic Disorder. His condition is sadly terminal,
but he is in good spirits. Race management took up a collection of
used jokes and will be sending them along to him shortly. The jokes
will be delivered by a relay of leather-optional Silicone Rangerettes
on Harleys directly to his door.
The pack set off at a blistering uphill pace to the roar of Barking
Ducks. The windows of nearby homeowners were rattled but slowly
subsided into the typical Sabbath torpor.
Each Runner used specific techniques to seek advantage over the
others in the course of the race; legal footwork, academic inquiry,
arcane musical references, sexual innunendo and pig-bladder
head-whacking comedy. Four men entered the ring, and four men
emerged--nobody went over the side into a canyon, although often it
was too close to call. The mere mention of Tommy Shaw nearly induced
comic infarctions, as well as the guy who wrote the "crappy Styx
songs"...may he infomercial in peace.
There were several near knock-outs, all were on the ropes at one
point or another, and several nearly had their noses planted into
someone else's ass on steep uphill sections bypassing downed trees
and doomed hopes.
The origins of the term were first described by Dr Casino Bingo in
his luminary article "Origins of Sunday-School Ultras" [2000
"Procedings in Crypto-Ethnology"]. Ultras as Sunday school are
typified by an ernest penitential stance by the author [aka
'groveling'] and are strongly marked by co-conflicting yearnings
towards Dionysian release checkmated by auto-flagellation. When the
Decisive Moment is reached, there is an immediate tendency towards
strict Rectitudinal Insertion of Moral Correction. For example, here
is one Young Man's dilemna:
"...As I approached my nearest serious competitor on Blowhard Pass
during my triumphal victory at the Hellmouth 100, I felt that I would
redeem myself for having let [him] get away from me the year before.
But suddenly, I was beset by images of the doe-eyed Winona Ryder in
little more than several wispy yards of stolen chiffon...at which
point I had to run the next 1/2 mile uphill at an average 4:30 pace
and remember to etc etc..." [op cit, Bingo:2000]
I'm sure you get the drift. Rest assured, gentle readers, that none
of this moral anguish was present on this run. The gnarled root and
thorny burl of that peculiar theology was far removed from this bosky
romp. The Pisswalkers also had their day [soon to be a major motion
picture with Adam Sandler in the title role]. The runners were
treated to the sight of hikers' lips moving as they read the
enigmatic and cryptic slogan on Mr Trail Safety's T-Shirt...NOBODY
KNOWS I'M A LESBIAN.
***Special Warmups led by the St Rita's Nude Tai Chi Dancers
***Tunes by Starship, featuring wailing guest vocal solos by Steve Perry
***Winona Ryder, Grand Parade Marshal [as part of her public service req's]
Run Mgmt was not responsible for stragglers shot after dark or out of season.
Free-Range Bone regards,
Mr Trail Safety
"Tanned, rested and ready,
From His Undisclosed Secure Location"