Sunday, July 01, 2001

Ultra-Whining Checklist 3.0

Get in, sit down and shut up.
A long time back, many dog-years ago in 1997, we rolled out the the UltraWhining Checklist [Golden Showers Beta Version].

But...a whole new crop of contendahs have sprung up, and institutional memory fades. The role of the Internet has radically shifted the Dialog Paradigms ®™. It's now YouR Website-R-U.

So here, a somewhat updated Klassic for your delectation. And if you are easily offended, read thru to the bottom and get your money's worth.

Ultra-Whining Checklist 3.0

I attribute my DNF(s) to the following reasons: (if there are additional causes, use the back of this form)

Ia. Early Years

My formative years were dramatically warped by the following:

1) I was dropped on my head as a child.
2) My past life as Cleopatra was miserable.
3) Demons were a regular part of home life.
4) I was allergic to beets.
5) I was tragically misunderstood.
6) My invisible playmates always abandoned me.

Good. Now we are getting somewhere. Carry on, you're looking good!

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Ib. Recent Present

In my current life:

1) I can't get laid to save my life
2) Running makes me high
3) Live in my favorite running shorts and race t-shirt
4) Walk around sucking water out of a bottle
5) Mumble about splits and ITB syndrome
7) Am on permanent taper
6) Can't get laid to save my life.

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II. Your Running Resumé

When you go for a long traning run, do you:

1) Get lost easily?
2) Get lost by friends easily?
3) Route your runs past salt-licks in cow pastures?
4) Route your runs past sheep meadows?
5) Carry at least 4 bottles of pickle brine?
6) Run without shorts?

Or are you:

7) Incontinent?
8) Garrulous?
9) Flatulent?
10) Delusional

add 15 points if all apply. Don't stop now!

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III. Race Day

You are at the start line. When you start, do you expect the following:

1) That your mother works the aid-stations?
2) That everything you read in "Runners World" applies to ultras?
3) That if there is a God, He/She/Whatever is looking out just for you?
4) That eating the 3 sticks of butter on a bet was not such a swell idea the night before.

add another 10 points if all apply. Time's a-wasting!

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IV. Into The Night

It has been a character-building day on the trail. Now you have just met your pacer for the first time. This is his/her first time as a pacer. You were going to impress them with all your saved up stories of wisdom. Their eyes are bugging out as they watch you lose your lunch on their shoes. How do you really feel?

1) Swell
2) Fucking swell
3) I was clearing my throat the easy way.
4) What the hell are you staring at?
5) We're having fun now!
6) You are remembering an IRS audit with pleasure.

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V. Evening Prayers

Now, you've had all day to think about why you aren't doing as well as you had boasted to ayone who would listen. Check all that apply:

1) The course was poorly marked.
2) You were not paying attention, and the hot-pink ribbons blend in with the leaves.
3) The RD has a personal vendetta with you.
4) It's taking way too long to pee.
5) The cut-offs are too harsh and arbitrary
6) Turtles have gotten faster due to global warming
7) The pre-race pasta feed was botulin-tainted
8) There is a 3rd stage smog alert 200 mi downwind that wasn't publicized.
9) The trail is too stony.
10) The trail is too sunny.
12) There are too many uphills.
13) The course is long.
14) You have just figured out that this is not a track ultra.

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VI. The Body Electric

Your body is telling you things. In particular it is saying:

1) You have blisters the size of water balloons
2) You have ring of fire.
3) You have jock-itch
4) You are special, and tragically misunderstood.
5) That big buckle really is supposed to be yours, dammit.

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VII. Conclusions.

Congratulations!

You have managed to assign all personal responsibility to others! You really measure up and deserve better. Go ahead! Assert yourself! Be all that you know you can be! You can now take the full upgrade from "Half-Assed" to "Complete Asshole".

Thanks :). Put down your pencil.

=======New Millennium 2001 upgrade portion here=============

But wait. All is not lost.

You can still feel *real good :)* about yourself, and you *can* change the course of time, space and your own vacuity with the following questions:

[Don't worry about the non-sequential numbers, it'll only make your head hurt...]

That been said, we now present the MULTIPLE CHOICE ULTRA EXAM in which there are only several right answers. There will be no essay questions. You can still feel really *good* about yer-se'f. Say "hi" to the intern!

5] You see a runner commit an infraction of an unspecified magnitude. You...

a] fire off a flare and shout "stop, in the name of love!"
b] see if the pacer is cute and has big chi-chi's.
c] Foreswear your rage and harbor your resentments for the next 8 hours after passing him/her/it.
d] pack heat and shoot the SOB

**NEW FOR SUMMER '01**
e] Go thru its pockets for incriminating evidence

6] You have decided to Stand Up and Be Counted. You...

a] Start your own chapter of Ultra-Promise Keepers
b] Propose to your pacer
c] Propose a short-term gratuitous sexual relationship with your Official Inflateable Trail Safety Companion.
d] propose that every time you stop and pee that the Big Clock at the finish line stop also.

**NEW FOR SUMMER '01**
e] Dismiss the whole race concept as bogus, because all records are in your mind.
Note: This only counts after your check has cleared, and you are in the race. Otherwise, its "Posing 101".


7] The finish line is "half a mile away" You recognize this because...

a] You can see the chalk lines through your tears
b] You spent your childhood listening to Billy Joel
c] Your ski-poles and leg splints are 1/8 of their original length.
d] You can hear the "Chariots of Fire" theme song.
e] You are tripping over a volunteer who is rolling up the red carpet
as the sun goes down.

**NEW FOR SUMMER '01**
f] You charged thru the last 4 aid-stations, cut-offs or not.

10] Finishing a 100 makes you more satisfied than:

a] DNFing a bowling match.
b] Taking the EPI-Lady out for a trim session
c] tearing out your useless toe-nails
d] tearing out your useless toe-nails at the pre-race carbo-load
e] Getting a "hands-behind-the-head-knobber" while keeping an eye on the game.
f] Because you turned it over in your mind, and you were Victorious
as you finished on the Tuesday afternoon following.

**NEW FOR SUMMER '01**
g] Your TV deal came in, and someone yells "CUT".

====================================
Not so bad, wasn't it?

OK. We give in. You wanted it, and now's your chance...

For EXTRA CREDIT, you get to describe in 100,000 words [or more] in 20 minutes [or less] one of the following topics:

What Is An Ultra?
Salt: Friend or Foe?
Blisters I have Known
Why I Hate The Guv'mint
Why Ultra-Chicks Don't Put Out For Me
Why I'll Never Get Laid
Dum-Dums or Hollow-point: Which is better for Squirrels?
Suing the Race Director: Status-Enhancement among my Peers?
Why Ultra-Guys Don't Put Out For Me
Why Ultra-Sheep Don't Put Out For Me

====================================
Damn...you're good! I feel like lighting up a blunt, and just cold chillin'....


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